Star Wars Episode III: Fall of Anakin the Idiot
by Sith Master2019
Summary: Yes, another ROTS spoof, this one should be different however. An example would include this line: Anakin, you know I’m too much of a pansy to do something as risky as destroying shield generators.” ObiWan. Only I could think to summarize. R&R!
1. Battle over Coruscant

_**Rated PG-13 to the MAX for language and crude humor as well as some sexual humor.**_

The two idiotic Jedi Knights, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi flew their star fighters clumsily through the chaotic battle above Coruscant. The evil General Grievous has swooped down like an eagle and stolen Chancellor Palpatine right from his very own office, so the Jedi Council had sent Obi-Wan and Anakin to rescue him on account of all the good Jedi being dead, or currently taking a break for tea. Anakin and Obi-Wan were too stupid to care about their tea however.

"Where the hell is the general's flagship?" Anakin asked his master through his comm, ignoring the fact that there was a massive star cruiser in front of them with a sign that clearly read, in fruity colored, neon letters: THE GENERAL'S FLAGSHIP.

"I don't know!" Obi-Wan cried. "But we have to rescue the Chancellor! I heard Count Dookie was gay!"

"First of all master, it's Dooku. Secondly: holy crap! We got to get him out of there."

"I suggest we find the ship then."

"No! That's a horrible idea, why don't you call Bigballs on the communicator and ask him where it is?"

"Excellent idea my young padawan!"

"Hey I'm a frickin' Knight now Kenobi so you just shut up!"

"Whatever." Obi-Wan replied, tuning through several random channels, most of them were just full of heavy metal music and strange, disgusting sounds. Finally the Jedi Master (though who knows how he got promoted to be one) found the correct channel.

"Bigballs, do you copy?"

"It's Oddball master Kenobi." Oddball replied.

"Whoops! Sorry, hey do you know where Gurvey's flagship is?"

"It's right in front of you! You freaking moron, it's the one that says THE GENERAL'S FLAGSHIP in pink and baby blue letters with those two battle droids on it in that sick position."

"OOOOOH!" Obi-Wan cried in realization.

"I suppose you are correct Screwball."

"ODDBALL!"

"Oh, yes of course. Thank you for your assistance."

"Whatever, moron. Ok co-pilot clone dude, let's get… holy crap! We're going down!"

The comm channel then turned to static and was replaced by loud rap. Obi-Wan began dance in his cramped little star fighter like some idiotic gangster.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Flashed across his computer screen in large red letters as his astromech droid R4 had asked him. Obi-Wan discontinued his dancing.

"Oh, sorry." He said embarrassed. He switched back to Anakin's channel and was greeted by his former apprentice's loud shrieking bursts of laughter.

"What?" Obi-Wan asked.

"While you were going gangster buzz droids landed on your ship!"

"Oh stop being overly dramatic Anakin… holy crap there's, one, two, three, seven, sixty two, five hundred and seventy eight…. Oh my god there's seven buzz droids on my ship! Whoop they're little metal asses R4!"

However Obi-Wan gasped in horror as a buzz droid began to eat poor little R4 while pouring various sauces and condiments on him such as anchovies, ranch dressing, oil, tomatoes, butter, slices of actual human flesh, and let's not forget the always tasty clumps of half charred wookie fur!

"Damn… Anakin help me!" Obi-Wan cried.

"Keep your ship steady master." Anakin ordered.

Obi-Wan glanced around wildly as Anakin's hot pink Jedi Starfighter came in uncomfortably close to his light purple one. Without warning Anakin ship ejected a long cylindrical object and began to squirt white hot acid on the buzz droids, however the acid also began to burn through the armor of Obi-Wan's ship.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Obi-Wan cried incredulously.

"It was a lot better that R2's idea!"

"And what was that?"

"He suggested I just sit back and watch you die."

"That little droid bastard, remind me to give him a good ass kicking when we land."

"How dare you! R2 is like the son I never had."

"It's a frickin' droid Anakin! Unless you got married and settled down in a love shack with a female astromech then it is utterly impossible for it to be your son."

"It's a _he_ Obi-Wan! How dare you insult R2!"

"How do you know that it's a he?"

"Never mind." Anakin said quickly as he eliminated the rest of the buzz droids.

"Hey have we been on an international comm channel this whole time?" Obi-Wan asked in alarm.

"Indeed you have been." Yoda's voice said. "Even on Coruscant we can fricking hear you so shut up and get on with your mission you morons!"

"Yes master," Anakin said, they were quickly approaching the General badass star cruiser which had lot of turbo laser guns and really, really, really, really, really, really, big laser blasters.

"Anakin, have you noticed the shields are still up?"

"I thought shields were myths."

"No, they're right in front of you idiot!"

"Oh! I see them. What the hell do we do?"

"What do you mean _we_? Anakin, you know I'm too much of a pansy to do something as risky as destroying shield generators."

"Oh, right." Anakin replied. "Fine then, make me do all the dirty work!"

"You always do the dirty work, and from my experience you always seem to enjoy it! I remember that one time on Tatooine when we walked into that dirty motel looking for the Twi'lek female death stick dealer—"

"Ew! Don't remind me!" Anakin said as he pulled his ship to the right and took out the shield generators. Suddenly a huge metal door began to close to stop all the air from being sucked out of the hanger. Vaguely Anakin wondered why the droids would need air.

"I've got a bad feeling about this!" Obi-Wan cried.

"Oh will you just put a sock in it? You always have a bad feeling about everything! You have bad feelings about afternoon tea time!"

"Well if master Yoda wasn't such a rude little man I wouldn't have bad feelings!"

"Master Yoda is a guy?!"

"Anakin I believe you are thinking of Yaddle."

"Oh, yeah. Well if you weren't such a pansy you could deal with Yoda."

"Shut up Anakin." Obi-Wan snapped as their ships entered the hanger bay in the knick of time and skidded to a halt on the ground. Two super battle droids jogged up to them, the two Jedi were oblivious to that fact however, and were still arguing about Obi-Wan's pansyness.

"Pansy, pansy, pansy!" Anakin chanted.

YO ANAKIN? R2 asked in the form a hot pink bubble letters flashing across his screen.

"What is it?" Anakin asked the astromech.

TWO SUPER BATTLE DROIDS ARE HEADED RIGHT FOR US!

"Well deal with them. I want to continue making fun of Obi-Wan."

NO FREAKING WAY! I'M NOT DEALING WITH THIS CRAP! YOU'RE THE JEDI!

"Fine," Anakin sighed, giving in, much to Obi-Wan's pleasure. Both Jedi ignited their cerulean lightsabers and jumped out of their respective and fruity colored fighters. Anakin landed in front of one droid, Obi-Wan in front of the other.

Anakin smiled wickedly as he thrust his foot into the droids groin. When the droid did not react however, a confused look came across Anakin's face. Then he realized that droids had no pain receptors so he simply cut it in half before it could fire. The droid Obi-Wan was facing however, was much more adept at fighting. It set its blaster arm to stun and shot Obi-Wan straight in the butt. The Jedi master began to hop around wildly, clutching his rear end and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Anakin came to his rescue and stabbed the droid through the chest plate. He waited for several long moments as Obi-Wan ran around in circles crying "MY BUTT IS ON FIRE! MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!" Finally after ten minutes had past Anakin strode up to his former master and smacked him hard across the face.

"Get a hold of yourself! You're butt is not of fire!"

"It isn't?" Obi-Wan asked hopefully.

"No." Anakin replied.

"Oh, well in that case let's find the Chancellor."


	2. General Groovis and the Hippie Screen

General Grievous stormed onto the bridge of his capitol ship, the _Quite Visible, Badass, Awesome, Powerful, Super Hand!!!_, he gave a girlish cough and took a long stride up next to the Neimoidian captain.

"Yo general, how's it goin' fo shizzle?" the green man asked.

"It's going good, yes goooooood, precious!" Grevious exclaimed in a girly, girly voice.

"Awesome Generallie! You is on fire Groovis!"

"Fo sho'," Grevious replied in a girly gangster voice. "What's kickin' man, precious, where's the potatoes, precious, what's the situation hmmm?"

"Huh?"

"What the hell is going on you incompetent moron?!"

"Oh, right, fo sho'. Some Jedi dudes have sneaked into dis ship man. We is tracking their asses."

"OOOOOOOOOO!" Grevious exclaimed "Just as Count Glooky—Dookie—DOOKU predicted!"

"Fo' shoizzle Generizzle! Do you want us to put da hurt on dese Jedi scums?"

"No, precious, no (cough, cough)! Lets them get to Dooky! Yes precious, yeeeeeeeeeees. Dooku wishes to kill them hisself precious!"

"10-4 General man!"

XxX

"Master, the doors are closed." Anakin observed as they approached the turbo lift doors.

"They're locked too." Obi-Wan added.

"Ya think?!"

"Now let's not be confrontational, there has to be a way to open the doors."

"What do you suggest, pansy?!"

"Ugh, can't we put that all behind us?"

"Nope."

"Fine. Oooooh! I got an idea Ani, I got an idea!" Obi-Wan cried, like an over excited child.

"Slow down there master; only Padmé— er… female people call me Ani."

"Whatever. Okay, let's contact R2."

XxX

Two more super battle droids entered the hanger bay where the hot pink and light purple Jedi interceptors lay.

"What the hell are those?" one of the droid asked.

"Those are Jedi fighters alright." The other replied.

"The Jedi who fly them must be gay or something, such fruity colors."

"Yeah, you _would _say that, wouldn't you?"

"What's that suppose to mean?!"

"Nothing. So what do we do with…" the droid was interrupted by the sound of a frantic man with a Coruscanti accent speaking loudly from the corner, behind some bright yellow storage tubs that red: _Miscellaneous Assorted Explosives, Do NOT TOUCH or you will blow your ass off!_

"What the hell was that?" the other droid asked.

"The boxes?"

"You're probably right."

"So what do you want to do with these fruity star fighters?"

"Let's rip off their fruity armor and give 'em to the General. He always struck me as a fruity kind of guy with the way he talks."

"That's only because he's obsessed with Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, who appears in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and Gollum from The Lord of the Rings."

"Oh, I thought he was just gay or something."

"No… wait, there's that annoying sound again."

This time it was different, a series of beeps sounded and the accented man spoke again shouting YAY! The two droids exchanged glances and walked over behind the crates to see an astromech droid, completely covered in pink. The droids let out electronic sounding laughter and pointed their fingers at the droid shouting all sorts of dirty insults at him.

"Beep, boop, beep, blap, flap, boo!" R2-D2 cried back, which meant something along the lines of (Shut up you ugly assholes! It's all Anakin's fault, his ship got paint on me!)

"What did he say?" one battle droid asked.

"I think he just insulted us." The other deduced.

"Boop, bap, bleepy, flat, blop!" R2 beeped, or in other words said (Why in the _world_ would I _ever _insult you two ugly imbeciles?).

"KILL THE DROID!" cried both droids in unison. One kicked R2 where his groin would be, if did not happen to be a droid. The other picked him up by his fruity, pink, domed head.

"You stupid little astrodroid." It exclaimed.

"Beepo, boopo, blopo, blap." R2 beeped which precisely meant (Let go of me you ugly pervert! I don't know you like this!).

"Prepare to die!" the droid cried."

However R2 was too clever for the two idiotic droids. He extended one of his many blue implements and proceeded to dump oil all over the floor. The battle droids both looked down at their metal feet and began to slip and slide in the oil like gay looking pansies. The one that had previously been holding R2 was now flat on its face in the oil, R2 was currently falling to the ground, just before he reached it he extend his jet boosters and activated them. He found himself floating in the air with the droids alit with bright orange fire below him.

Unfortunately the oil had spread near the evil boxes. R2 turned his domed head to look at them.

"Creep-blat." R2 beeped, which directly translated to (I am so #$!&)

The boxes then exploded into a mushroom cloud of red-orange fire and R2 fell into molten pieces on the hanger floor.

XxX

Anakin and Obi-Wan stood in the turbo lift which was shooting up at an incredible rate of speed, though it felt as though they were not getting anywhere as the lift frequently stopped and battle droids tried to enter. The two Jedi were growing more irritated by the moment and the annoying elevator music was doing nothing to calm them down.

"SHUT UP!" Anakin finally cried at the ceiling speaker from which the terrible music was flowing.

"Always on the edge of his seat with irritation." Obi-Wan commented to himself, though the music was starting to get to him as well, he too had to scream at it. "THIS FRICKIN' SUCKS! TURN IT OFF!"

"Master, I did not know you could get that angry." Anakin said.

"Well every girl in the galaxy says you're sexy when you're mad, so… I thought I'd give it a whirl."

"Well it totally didn't work, your face was all wrong. You looked more like you were constipated than angry."

"Anakin, normally I would injure you for saying that however this elevator music is clouding my judgment. It must be stopped!"

"I agree, next move?"

"Stab the living crap out of it until the music box thingy blows up!"

"Excellent idea."

The two Jedi then activated their cerulean lightsabers and proceeded to stab the hell out of the speaker above their heads that was broadcasting the horrendous music. Finally the horrible noise stopped after they had destroyed just about the entire ceiling; however the turbo lift stopped as well.

"Damn it." Obi-Wan muttered. "Did you press the stop button?"

"No, did you?"

"No. Damn! We must have stopped it when we destroyed the ceiling!"

"Well don't look at me, it was your idea." Anakin commented, he then added under his breath: "Moron."

"I…" Obi-Wan began, however he could not think of a comeback so he simply stated how happy he was that the music has stopped. "At least that horrible tune is dead."

"Yeah," Anakin agreed. "Nothing could be worse than that."

However Anakin was about to be proved wrong because at that very moment the music started once again, there were several loud creaks, and then the turbo lift began to descend rapidly as it was released from the mechanism that pulled it upwards. Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged looks.

"This definitely tops it." They both said in unison. Their faces then turned to the small screen above the buttons which read in large hippie looking letters: _Make peace with the music, man! Let if flow through your veins for a moment, feel its tranquility washing around you………………………………………………………….. Now prepare to die SUCKERS!_

At this Anakin lost his temper, he scooped up a piece of the broken ceiling and then proceeded to beat the screen until it was nothing more than sand-like shards of glass on the floor.

"Stupid hippie turbo lift." Anakin stated.

"Well, now that your rage fit is over why don't you contact R2 and tell him to stop the lift." Obi-Wan recommended.

"Nah, he's dead anyway."

"What?! How the hell do you know that?!"

"I felt him explode a while ago."

"And you didn't say anything?!"

"Should I have?"

"You said he was like a son to you!"

"Did I? I don't remember, who cares, it was just a dumb droid."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Well then how the hell do we get out of here?"

"I don't think we need to master." Anakin replied. "Look."

Obi-Wan turned his head in the direction Anakin was pointing, a secret panel had pulled back and another screen was revealed, more hippie looking letters began to scroll across it, forming another equally smart ass sentence: _Ha, ha, ha, ha ,ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA! Suckers, my sensors suggest that you have completely forgotten about the music! Well done. You will not die now, actually you wouldn't have anyway because the elevator was not really falling, it was just a gravitational trick! Ha, ha, you fell for it morons!_

Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged angry glances.

"Oh yeah?" Obi-Wan asked the screen. "Well now I'm gonna kick your little hippie ass!"

Obi-Wan then proceeded to tear the screen apart with his bare hands. Once he was finished he turned back to Anakin.

"Ok, now that that's done lets go kill Dooku."

"Now you're talking master!"


	3. The Battle with the Fruity Sith Lord

Anakin and Obi-Wan entered General Grievous's huge throne room where they found Chancellor Palpatine sitting at the end of it on the chair, dressed only in his underwear. Obi-Wan and Anakin shielded their eyes from the horrible sight as they approached him.

"What happened to you?" Anakin asked.

"Count Dooku," the Chancellor replied angrily.

"I knew he was gay!" Obi-Wan cried.

"No he's right behind you, imbecile!" Palpatine cried.

Both Anakin and Obi-Wan turned to face Count Dooku who was indeed behind them. He wore a pinky, lacey, girly cloak as well as pink and white boots plus he had a light pink lightsaber hilt clipped to his hot pink belt.

"Like, what are you two doing here? You're like totally ruining my like time with the Chancellor!" Dooku exclaimed in a preppy voice.

Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged glances.

"Let's kill the bastard." They said in unison.

"You should probably do it together." Palpatine suggested.

"Ew! Chancellor, stop thinking like Dooku!" Anakin shouted.

"That's not what I mean!" Palpatine cried.

"Not to worry Chancellor, Sith Lords are our specialty." Obi-Wan said.

"Obi-Wan!" Anakin cried. "That's really sick!"

"That's not what I mean Anakin!" Obi-Wan snapped, slapping his former apprentice across the face. "Get a hold of yourself."

"Oh sorry." Anakin replied as Count Dooku leapt down from the balcony and approached them, swinging his hips like a queer.

"Your like swords please," Dooku requested. "We like totally don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor."

Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged glances and both shouted: "EW!" in girly, shrieking voices. Palpatine rolled his eyes.

"Will you like get over it? That is like so totally thirty seconds ago!" Dooku announced in his preppy voice.

"It's hard to do that when you're wearing pink." Anakin pointed out.

"Well if you'd prefer I would wear nothing."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Obi-Wan, Anakin and Palpatine cried simultaneously.

"Fine then," Dooku replied. "Let's get it on with."

The Sith Lord then activated a girly hot pink lightsaber and pointed it at them. Anakin and Obi-Wan dropped to the floor, rolling around in bursts of hysterical laughter.

"You're such a pansy!" Anakin cried, tears brimming from his eyes.

"Shut up!" Dooku cried in a whiney voice.

"Pansy, pansy, pansy!" Obi-Wan and Anakin chanted.

"Shut up!" Dooku whined once more. "Chancellor make them shut up pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

"Fine," Palpatine bit back. "Anakin, Obi-Wan get your sorry asses off the floor and run the damn Sith Lord trough like a pig! He's gonna fricking kill me!"

"Fine," Anakin and Obi-Wan muttered in unison, standing up and activating their cerulean lightsabers, after which they both muttered: "Pansy."

"Like do not assume that just because Palpatine is like a complete asshole, and his in his like underwear, and that you two are like not wearing fruity clothes that you have the advantage." Dooku warned.

"My powers and my intelligence have quadrippled since the last time we met Dookie!" Anakin cried.

"Good, like twice the pride minus the intelligence, like double the fall." Dooku said, putting a very preppy emphasis on the word fall.

"Huh?" Anakin asked.

"I'm like insulting you!" Dooku replied in exasperation.

"Then die fat ass!" Anakin cried as he and Obi-Wan struck at Dooku from opposite sides. The fruity Sith Lord spun, deflecting both of their attacks, he then kicked Obi-Wan in the groin and turned to face Anakin, they both slashed at one another in unison and their blades locked.

"I like am _so_ not fat!" Dooku snapped.

"I don't know, it looks like you stuffed a pillow down your pants." Anakin replied.

"I like did."

"Why?

"Because I like wanted to look sexier!"

"Well it just looks disturbing."

"Well you're straight!"

"Good point."

Dooku then broke the saber lock and attempted to behead Anakin who dodged and then kicked Dooku swiftly in the groin like the Sith Lord had done earlier to Obi-Wan who was still on the ground rolling in pain, however Anakin was surprised this had now effect on Dooku.

"What the hell?" Anakin wondered allow.

"Um…" Dooku trailed off. "I can explain."

"EW!!!" Anakin cried in disgust. "You're becoming a woman!"

"I _am _a woman now. And I'm lesbian!"

"Then… why didn't you just stay a guy?"

"Because………………………………………………………………………. Good point actually."

Anakin did not reply, instead he decided to go Jackie Chan on Dooku's pillow ass. The Jedi leapt into the air, spun like a lightning fast ninja guy and kicked Dooku in the face. The Count flew to the left and hit the big evil looking negotiating table. Anakin then used the Force to throw Dooku to the right; he unfortunately landed straight on Obi-Wan, knocking him unconscious.

"Shit," Anakin mumbled. "Er… sorry master. Don't worry though, I'm gonna kick his ass!"

Obi-Wan did not respond however, which was probably due to the fact that he was unconscious. Anakin being too stupid to realize this became angry and kicked his former master in the groin again. When Obi-Wan did not respond Anakin shrugged to the Chancellor who rolled his eyes, he then turned back to face Dooku.

"I'm going to kill you for that!"

"Then like come then and try!"

Anakin leapt into the air, extending his leg for a kick.

"Die you little Count bi$!" Anakin cried as his foot his Dooku in the face, sending him flying toward the Chancellor. The Sith Lord hit the ground face first, his pink and fruity cape flying over his head. By the time he got to his knees he found Anakin's blue lightsaber at his neck.

"Do him Anakin!" Palpatine cried sadistically.

Both Anakin and Dooku looked to stare at the Chancellor in disgust.

"He's a guy!" Dooku said with distaste.

"And he's a…" Anakin trailed off. "He's a man lady!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!" Palpatine cried. "Just kill him so I can put my clothes back on."

"I can't kill him Chancellor, it's against the code!" Anakin cried in alarm.

"I don't give a shit about your frickin' code!" Palpatine shouted angrily.

"Chancellor, I've never heard you use such profane words." Dooku said.

"Whatever," Palpatine snapped. "Anakin, you didn't have a problem going against your stupid code when you killed those sand people, did you?!"

"That was different! They killed my mommy and they stole some cheese from me when I was just a kiddie."

"Oh for the love of all &$#! Just $#! kill the #!$ Count right $#&$ now!" Palpatine ordered, profane words spewing form his mouth like saliva. Anakin and Dooku both stared at him, mouths wide in shock.

"Kill him Anakin!" The Chancellor ordered. "Kill him now."

"What the hell," Anakin said shrugging. He promptly chopped the Sith Lord's head off. For a second he stood there, staring at Dooku's fruity dressed, headless body. Realization then dawned on him. "Holy #$!& crap! I've gone against the code."

"Quit your damn whining and release me!" Palpatine ordered angrily.

"Ok," Anakin replied, with the use of the Force he released the multicolored electro binds from the Chancellor's wrists. "Hey, what I was I complaining about?"

"Nothing," Palpatine replied, not wanting to get Anakin started again if he had forgotten.

"Oh." Anakin said simply. He then ran over to pick up Obi-Wan.

"Leave him Anakin, or we'll never make it!" Palpatine cried in alarm.

"The hell we won't! I ain't leaving him here to die!"

"Anakin, don't you get it. If you carry him you'll just slow us down." The man pointed out, whilst slipping his robes back on.

"You putting on your little man skirt is slowing us down!" Anakin retorted.

"This is not a man skirt Anakin." Palpatine replied prissily. "These are very expensive Chancellor Robes that cost much more money than you will ever make in your lifetime!"

"I'm a Jedi! I don't need money!"

"Oh that's right! Jedi can't have any possessions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! You know what I say? Screw the Jedi! Leave the order Anakin and join the dark side!"

"What?" Anakin asked in confusion.

"Damn it!" Palpatine berated himself for revealing his true allegiance so quickly. "What I meant was… join the dark side of… pie! Eat dark chocolate pie… it'll go straight to your… $$! The fatter you become the happier you'll be!"

"What?"

"Nothing, just forget it, we never had this conversation." The Chancellor said, waving his hand in front of Anakin and attempting to trick his mind.

"Yes we have." Anakin replied, mimicking Palpatine's hand waving.

"No we have not!"

"Yes we have!"

"No we have not!"

"Yes we have!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Fine then! You don't have to be such a pompous ass about it." Anakin replied crisply as he swung Obi-Wan over his shoulder.

"Man, Obi-Wan needs to lay off the cake!" the Jedi Knight grunted. Then he unfortunately lost his grip on Obi-Wan and the poor unconscious man fell to the floor, head first.

"Crap," Anakin said to himself. "Well, it's not like this is the first time he's been dropped on his head."

"Most likely." Palpatine replied. "Now let's get the hell out of here!"


	4. The Butt

Anakin, with Obi-Wan slung unconscious over his shoulder, began to jab the button that controlled the turbo lift wildly with his finger. However nothing whatsoever happened. A confused Anakin spun to face Palpatine, Obi-Wan's head accidentally hit the wall when that happened, though Anakin paid no attention.

"What's wrong with that thing?" Anakin cried.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?!" Palpatine cried angrily. "You are supposed to be a good mechanic!"

"You can honestly think I'm a good mechanic!" Anakin cried. "Cant you see I'm a blubbering moron?!"

"Of course, you'd have to be a blubbering moron to not see that you are in fact a blubbering moron, but I was always under the impression that some blubbering morons had talents!"

"Well I don't!"

"You made that prissy droid when you were nine!"

"Yeah, but 3PO is a blubbering moron like I am, and he never shuts up!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! JUST USE THE FORCE TO OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" Palpatine cried furiously.

"Who's Pete?"

"YOU—what—Pete—is—well—er…… it's a $#& expression you damn moron!"

"I don't know Chancellor, you're sorta getting defensive, and you seem rather fond of this Pete."

"What the hell is wrong with you, there's no one named Pete in the galaxy! George Lucas only makes up crazy names that are sometimes hard to pronounce and spell, not to mention the dialogue he writes sucks!"

"Who is George Lucas?"

"Well you see Anakin…" Palpatine began, going into a really long, boring, and intellectual explanation that they were all fictional characters in a fictional galaxy far, far away created by a man named George Lucas who sucks at writing dialogue apparently. By the time the Chancellor was done the ship was shaking violently from continuous fire on it and Anakin was surprised Obi-Wan was not up, and Anakin was also utterly confused, he had not understood one word Palpatine had said.

"What?" he asked.

"YOU—IDIOT—WHY THE HELL DO I WANT TO TURN YOU—okay, calm down Palpatine, calm down." Palpatine said to himself while taking in a deep breath. "Okay Anakin, let me try to explain this in terms you can understand. We're all make-believe characters in a make-believe world and we were made by a man named George Lucas who can't write… talking well."

"Oh!" Anakin cried, finally realizing it. "So how do we open the door?"

"Step aside." Palpatine ordered. The Chancellor stepped up in front of the sealed turbo lift entry, he extended his hands and the door flew back into the shaft, beginning a long descent downwards.

"How did you do that?" Anakin asked suspiciously.

"Well you see Anakin… you do not remember anything." Palpatine said, waving his hand in front of Anakin's face.

"We've already been through this Chancellor, I do remember."

"No you don't!"

"Yes I do!"

No you don't!"

"Yes I do!"

"Don't!"

"Yes!"

'You don't!"

"I do!"

"You're a bastard!"

"You're an ugly old guy with gray hair that's falling out!"

"Ugh! I do not have gray hair! And… my hair is thinning!"

"That's what all old guys say when they go bald, but I still have hair!" Anakin cried happily. He shook his head, waving his long hair around and trying to look sexy, instead he looked as though he was saying no in the form of shaking his head.

"I am not old!"

"Are so!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Palpatine cried.

"Why you little—" Anakin screamed furiously. He ripped the nearest light fixture off of the wall and smashed it on top of the Chancellor's head; the poor man fell to the ground, holding his head in pain, his mouth spewing all kinds of profane insults.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" Palpatine cried enraged.

"I did it because… well… actually I don't remember."

"Whatever, just move!" Palpatine snapped. He strode to the edge of the huge pit which was the turbo lift shaft. Anakin walked up next to him, the unconscious Obi-Wan still slung over his shoulder.

"How far down do you think it goes?" Anakin asked.

"I don't know," Palpatine replied. "Why don't you throw Obi-Wan down there and find out?"

"Ugh! Chancellor, he's like a father to me."

"He's a pansy and you know it!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Whatever, let's just figure out a way to get down."

"We could jump."

"Without dying."

"Oh, yeah that's a tough one."

"Ya think!"

However before Anakin could reply, the ship began to roll, the floor seemed to angle below them turning into a slide, the turbo lift shaft had now become like a floor, both Palpatine and Anakin hoisted themselves into it (Anakin was forced the throw Obi-Wan in before himself, sadly Obi-Wan was once again becoming conscious but he smacked his head again on the floor). Once Anakin and the Chancellor climbed into the shaft Anakin proceeded to sling Obi-Wan over his shoulder once more and both of them began to sprint across the shaft, in the direction that normally would be down.

XxX

"Sir fo' shizzle!" the Neimoidian in the control chair cried in the bridge of the _Quite Visible, Badass, Awesome, Powerful Super Hand!!!. _

"What is it precious?! Have the potatoes been found precious hmmmmmmmmm?" Grevious asked in his girly Gollum voice.

"What potatoes dude?" the Neimoidian asked.

"Nothing!" Grevious snapped. "What is it hmm, precious?"

"The Jedi and the Chancellorizzel have totally got into the turbo lift shaft fo' shizzle!"

"Ha, ha, ha, morons, precious! Did we only switch gravity near shaft precious?!"

"Yeah man, fo' sho'!"

"Sweet precious! Turn gravity back on yes, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, precious! Greevie wanna see their Jedi asses go splat!"

"Wha' about the Chancellorizzel. Like Sidiousizzle totally wanted you to bring the dude into your crib and hold him there fo' sho'!"

"Greevy don't give a damn about the effing Chancellor's ass! Greevy wanna see Jedi go splat precious."

"If you is sho' General…."

"Greevy be sure, yes precious, yesssssssssssssssssssss, Greevy wants to see the Jedi dead! Once they dead Greevy take the previous for hisself!"

"Take what?"

"Never mind it!"

XxX

As Anakin (with Obi-Wan still slung unconscious over his shoulder) and Chancellor Palpatine sprinted down the turbo lift they began to notice the gravity was shifting. Instead of running down a straight tunnel they were now stumbling down a steep slant, now they were sliding down a wall.

"Damn it!" Palpatine cried, clutching Anakin's boot so hard that his nails were actually digging into the leather and Anakin's flesh.

"What do we do?! What do we do?!" Anakin asked loudly in fear and to no one in particular.

"Use the grappling hook!" Palpatine cried as they steadily began to plunge faster.

"What the hell's a grappling hook? Sounds dangerous!"

"Oh for the love of Gina! The grappling hook is the spikey thingy you throw up at a high place, attach it on and use a rope tied to it to climb up you stupid moron!"

"Oh!" Anakin cried in realization. He pulled the very tool Palpatine had ordered him to and slung it upwards, it immediately wrapped around a thick beam and tightened quickly, their fall ceased, the group hung their, Anakin holding onto the grappling hook wire and Obi-Wan, Palpatine clinging tightly to Anakin's ankle.

"We're screwed." said Anakin.

"Obviously!" Palpatine snapped, glancing down at the pit below him. Before Anakin could say anything else, however Obi-Wan let out a low groan. His eyes fluttered open and he found himself staring at what he thought could be a butt… perhaps it was a female butt? Completely delusional Obi-Wan reached out and grabbed it, Anakin let out a scream of fury and several profane swear words before dropping Obi-Wan who caught onto the Chancellor's ankle, much to Palpatine's displeasure, he desperately tried to shake Obi-Wan off, sadly the Jedi's grip was too strong, Anakin had witnessed that just moments ago.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF YODA'S SAGGY BUTT CHEEK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" Anakin cried furiously, narrowed eyes squinting down at his former master.

"I thought you were a girl!"

"You horny little bastard! Kill him Chancellor! KILL HIM!"

"Believe me Anakin I'm trying." Palpatine replied, stilling trying to shake Obi-Wan loose.

"Look, Anakin," Obi-Wan began, ignoring the Chancellor's attempts to get him to let go completely. "Lets just put this all behind us and figure out a way to get out of here."

"Fat chance! Once we get on flat ground I'm gonna beat your skinny little white boy ass Obi-Wan!"

"Anakin, you will stop using the gangster talk immediately or I shall have to impale you."

"IMPALE ME!!!!!! I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on your ass you gay little pansy!"

"SHUT THE $ UP BOTH OF YOU!" cried Palpatine. "I think I hear something…"

All three of them looked up to see the bottom of at turbo lift zooming at them, bloody chunks covered it, apparently they weren't the first humans to be smashed.

"HOLY CRAP!" cried Anakin.

"OH FOR THE $#& LOVE OF ALL $#$ GOD #$$!" cried Palpatine.

"Shit," Obi-Wan muttered, however at that very moment the door they were leaned against opened and they all fell into a hallway. Anakin felt the wind as the turbo lift shot passed… he was safe… but Obi-Wan certainly wasn't! Anakin leapt to his feet, ran over to the Jedi and began to strangle him.

XxX

"Gerenalizzle!" cried the Neimoidian in the control chair.

"What is it preciousizzle, fo' sho'?" Grevious's girly gangster voice asked. The cyborg general strode up beside the slang shooting, punk mouthed captain of the ship.

"The Jedi dudes have escaped our mad hold man! They are like totally on floor 345!"

"What?! NOOOO precious! That's the bikini shop floor precious! We mustn't let them purchase bikinis!"

"You're right! That would be like totally whack dude!"

"Ew precious! Sickening, precious! ACTIVATE RAY SHEILDS PRECIOUSIZZLE!"


	5. The Aftermath of the Butt Incident

Obi-Wan's eyes bulged from his sockets and his face began to turn blue as Anakin strangled him like the gay, horny pansy he was! Palpatine clapped and cheered maniacally at Anakin's choice to kill his master.

"Anakin… stop!" Obi-Wan pleaded as Anakin strangled him.

"Shut up and die you gay pansy!"

"I'm… sorry… I… grabbed… your… butt!" Obi-Wan choked out.

"And?" Anakin demanded, loosening his hold around Obi-Wan's neck, he _was_ apologizing sincerely. That made all the difference to the dim witted Jedi.

"And… it was very… unpleasant…."

Anakin smacked him hard across the face, creating a red mark on his former master's cheek. Obi-Wan stared at his former apprentice incredulously.

"What… the hell was that… for?" Obi-Wan cried between gulps of air.

"You said the feel of my butt was unpleasant!"

"For me!" Obi-Wan clarified. "I'm sure… any woman in the… galaxy would love it!"

Anakin growled angrily and smacked Obi-Wan across the face again, Palpatine gave out a girlish giggle, apparently still under the impression Anakin meant to kill Obi-Wan.

"What the bloody hell was that for?!" Obi-Wan cried.

"I… don't remember." said Anakin.

"Well… okay then. Can I stand up now?"

"Sure thing master, let's put all of this behind us." Anakin said, extending a hand to hoist his friend up, Obi-Wan gladly took it. Then it seemed Palpatine realized Anakin was not going to kill his former master and they were now best friend again. As Anakin turned to tell the Chancellor how he and Obi-Wan made up, to stupid to realize Palpatine had heard the entire thing, the old man thrust his booted foot at Anakin's groin, it made contact and Anakin fell to the floor in pain.

"YOU MORON! YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM!" cried Palpatine.

"Chancellor… what the hell was that for?" Anakin cried, trying his best to ignore the throbbing pain he felt, a feeling crept over him like he was going to vomit, he did so, spilling green chunks of his lunch over Palpatine's ridiculously expensive boots. This only seemed to anger the Chancellor more who once again kicked Anakin in the bad place.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" Palpatine roared. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM! MURDERING DOOKU WAS THE FIRST STEP NOW YOU FAILED THE SECOND ONE!"

"You murdered Count Dooku?" Obi-Wan asked accusingly.

"Yeah! But Obi-Wan, you must understand, he had become a woman and he was a lesbian! I had to put him out of his misery!"

"Oh, well I suppose that's alright." said Obi-Wan, slightly sickened at the fact that Dooku had turned into a woman.

"OH! YOU TWO ARE SUCH MORONS! I DON'T KNOW HOW THE $#$ JEDI $$ COUNCIL ACCEPTS YOU AS $$# JEDI! WHAT THE $& HELL IS #$& WRONG WITH YOU $#$S?"

"Uh…" said Anaki and Obi-Wan together, exchanging troubled glances.

"Did he just insult us?" Anakin asked.

"I believe he did!" Obi-Wan replied in realization.

"You!" Anakin bellowed, pointing his finger at Palpatine. "It's time for you to die you little bitch!"

"Come and try it!" Palpatine cried, he tore off of his black robes to reveal a muscular chest, chiseled legs, and unnaturally huge muscled arms.

"Where the hell did all that come from?" Anakin asked.

"It's amazing how $#8 big your $#$ muscles get when you're holding on to your leg!" Palpatine snapped.

"Are you wearing a muscle suit?" asked Obi-Wan accusingly.

"No!" Palpatine cried unconvincingly.

"Yeah," said Anakin, and without any warning his fingernail's dug into Palpatine's chest and pulled. His entire muscular body was ripped away, revealing the normal skinny, wimpy body Palpatine had. Anakin nodded his head as though he had known that the muscles were fake all along. Palpatine growled several particularly nasty profane words and pulled his robes back on, he then fell into a gay looking fighting stance.

"What?" asked Anakin and Obi-Wan simultaneously.

"Aren't we going to fight?" Palpatine asked suspiciously.

"No." said Anakin and Obi-Wan in unison.

"But I thought you were going to try to kill me…."

"Were we? I don't remember." said Anakin. "My short term memory has been bad ever since I was a kid, but in a few days I'll probably remember what happened here."

Palpatine's eyes widened in fury and flashed yellow. His face turned crimson and he looked as though he were about to explode. However Obi-Wan and Anakin took this as a different sign than what it meant (Palpatine was very furious).

"HE'S CONSTIPATED!" Anakin cried. Palpatine growled in fury and lunged at him, his finger nails like the claws of a beast, however he hit a ray shield that had just appeared and fell back flat on his butt.

Obi-Wan and Anakin laughed hysterically.

"You two shouldn't be laughing!" Palpatine cried as he got to his feet. "You're both trapped in $#$ ray shield!"

"We are?" asked Obi-Wan incredulously. He glanced around, indeed he and Anakin were surrounded by a ray shield.

"I thought ray shields were myths!" Anakin cried.

"You think all shields are myths."

"Well……… you're a pansy!"

"Oh come on, cant you think of a new insult?"

"You're a British accented smart ass?"

"You used that on Cato Neimoidia."

"Um… you're the ugliest, most hideous, accented Jedi I've ever met, plus you're a gay ass!"

"Well that was indeed new, you get credit I suppose." said Obi-Wan thoughtfully. Palpatine looked at them as though they had both lost their minds and started licking floor, which they did shortly after that. When they stood back up Palpatine opened his mouth to speak.

"YOU—YOU—YOU—MORONS! YOU ARE BOTH TRAPPED WITH NO MEANS OF GETTING OUT AND YOU'RE INSULTING ONE ANOTHER AND LICKING THE FLOOR?!"

"We wanted to see if electricity from the ray shields carried onto the floor." said Obi-Wan. "Hey wait a minute. When you hit the shield why weren't you shocked and turned into a skinny burnt guy?"

"Rubber robes!" Palpatine snapped, indicating the robes he was wearing which were indeed made of rubber. Anakin and Obi-Wan exchanged glances.

"Why do you wear rubber robes?" they asked in unison. Palpatine opened his mouth to reply, however several dozen battle droids along with about twenty droidekas rounded the corner.

"Shit," Anakin and Obi-Wan said in unison.

"Thank the Force." Palpatine muttered.

The droids surrounded the ray shields and the Chancellor's hands were bound behind his back, Anakin and Obi-Wan expected to be let out at any moment so they could brutally kill all of the droids. However that was not what happened, instead two more droids holding electrostaffs rounded the corner, they had a humanoid form except they were much taller and had much bigger butts, and they were both rainbow colored.

"Give me your lightsabers Jedi!" commanded one droid. Anakin and Obi-Wan exchanged glances again, and this time they burst out laughing.

"GIVE ME YOUR DAME LIGHTSABERS?" the droid ordered once more. Anakin and Obi-Wan just continued to laugh not taking the droid seriously at all because of its rainbow colors.

"Grievous is gay! GRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVOUS IS GAY!" Anakin and Obi-Wan chanted in unison.

"NEVER INSULT THE $#$# GENERAL LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME!" cried one droid.

"Hey!" the other cried. "You just insulted the general!"

"Shut up!" snapped the first, smacking its partner's face and kicking him in the groin, he shut up then.

"You're coming with us!" the droid stated with finality.


	6. Crash Landing

Chapter 6: Crash Landing

"Yeah man!" cried the Neimoidian in the captain's chair. "The Jedi asses is our's!"

"Fo' shizzle preciousizzle!" said Grevious's girly gangster voice. The little green man raised his hand to give the general a high-five, Grevious's metal appendage flew at it, hitting it with such force that it sent the Neimoidian flying into the wall which he crashed into and died painfully.

"Damn it precious!" Grievous exclaimed. "He was the only captain that wasn't an annoying ass!"

Just then two rainbow colored droids led Anakin, Obi-Wan, and the Chancellor onto the bridge, Grievous laughed like a little girl, causing Anakin and Obi-Wan to exchange smirking glances.

"Ah yes, General Kenobi precious!" Grievous cried gleefully. "The pansyiator!"

"Does everyone know about my pansiness?" Obi-Wan muttered.

"And Anakin Skywalker precious, I was expecting someone with your reputation to have a bigger ass."

"Excuse me?"

"Women in the galaxy think you are sexy fo' shizzle izzle precious!" Grievous exclaimed. "Therefore I thought, preciousizzle that you must have a big rear fo' sho'."

"Oh yeah… well…………………………………………………………………. You're a…………………………………………… you're a…………. a bitch!" Anakin cried.

At this Grievous let out a shrieking cough.

"You're lighty sabers will make a fine addition to my precious collection!" Grevious exclaimed, then he pointed to the rainbow droids. "Bring me their lightsabers!"

The droids nodded and reached down a bit to low. Anakin gulped as their metal hands came closer but Grievous stopped them.

"NOT _THOSE_! THEIR WEAPONS!" the general snapped. The droids made some sort of acknowledging sound and retrieved the lightsabers from the Jedi's belts. Obi-Wan and Anakin had been too stupid to use them. As the droids stopped in front of their master he snatched the weapons out of their hands and tucked them into his cloak, he then smacked both droids upside the head.

"No more dirty thoughts precious!" Grievous snapped. The droids nodded and strode off gaily, swinging their hips and flaunting their enormous metal butts. Grievous watched them for a moment before turning back to face Anakin and Obi-Wan and stroking the lightsabers. "My precious! My precious!"

"Actually you stole those." Anakin pointed out. "So technically the bigger one is my precious."

Obi-Wan stared at him incredulously. "YOU'RE LIGHTSABER IS NOT BIGGER THAN MINE!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it is not, mine's huge, look at it, it's right next to yours in his hands, you see it's much larger!"

"No, it's wider but not longer! Mine's bigger."

Palpatine looked as though he were about to puke.

"Shut up both of you precious!" Grievous snapped, depositing their lightsabers into his cloak, he then pulled up a lightsaber hilt that was so long it nearly touched the ceiling, one wondered how it fit into Grievous's cloak.

"This one is bigger than all y'alls precious." Grievous hissed.

"Damn!" said Obi-Wan admiringly. "Where'd you get that badass lightsaber?"

"Stole it off a Twi'lek Jedi I did precious. Biggest lightsaber I have precious."

"Well I hate it!" Anakin snapped.

"Why?" asked Obi-Wan. "Whoever owned that is to be envied."

"IT'S BIGGER THAN MINE!" Anakin complained.

"Silence Jedizzles!" Grievous snapped. "I wanna see your asses on the floor next to your heads?"

"How you gonna do that?" Anakin asked curiously.

"Like this." Grievous said, he activated the extremely long lightsaber (the blade was green and even longer than the hilt) and sliced a nearby droid in half, indeed it's head landed right next to its rear.

"Oh," said Obi-Wan. "Neat trick!"

"Damn it!" Grievous cried unexpectedly.

"What?" asked Anakin and Obi-Wan in unison.

"When he $#$ **EXTREMELY CENSORED WORD **killed that **VERY MEGA CENSORED WORD **droid he **SOMEWHAT CENSORED WORD **cut off your **CENSORED **cuffs!" Palpatine cried angrily.

"What?" Anakin and Obi-Wan asked in unison, utterly confused.

"UGH! **CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR**! He cut your **CENCORED **hand cuffs off by accident!" Palpatine cried.

Anakin and Obi-Wan glanced down at their hands which were no longer cuffed, and then they looked at General Grievous who looked highly fearful.

"Let's kill that little gay pansy!"

"Now you're talking Anakin!" Palpatine cried, grabbing a blaster from a droid he began to shoot at Obi-Wan who dodged to bolts angrily.

"NOT THAT GAY PANSY!" Anakin cried in alarm giving Grievous the chance the run, sadly he dropped both of their tiny lightsabers as he sprinted towards the view ports.

"What the **CENSOR, CENSOR** do you **CENSOR MEGA HUGE TRIPLE CENSOR** see in this idiotic gay **CENSORED A LOT** pansy?" Palpatine cried angrily, dropping the blaster to Obi-Wan's relief. By this time Grievous was at the view ports and the droids were sprinting off the bridge in fear after Palpatine's mouthy display of anger.

"He was my master! He's like my father!"

"Like that stupid punk mouthed droid was your son?" Palpatine cried angrily. "For the love of Gulan Bigigan, if I kill him you'll forget about it!"

"OH MY GOD!" Anakin cried as General Grievous activated a lightsaber to cut open a viewport. "YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH PADAWAN GULAN BIGIGAN!"

"What?!"

"There's a padawan named Gulan Bigigan in the Jedi temple! Ew, he's only sixteen you perverted old guy!" Anakin cried.

"Shut your mouths you idiot precious's!" Grevious cried as he sliced a hole in the view port.

"Oh shit _**CENSOR, CENSOR!**_" Obi-Wan cried as Grevious flew out of the hole and air was sucked out as well. Anakin grabbed onto the nearest control panel as did Palpatine. However, Obi-Wan flew towards the gaping hole! He landed in front of it, prevented from flying out only because his arms and legs stopped him. Metal items began to fly at him; one control panel nearly knocked him through as it went between his legs, though the sharpest part hit him in the groin.

Anakin and Palpatine cackled manically as more sharp and heavy items flew towards Obi-Wan, unfortunately hitting him over and over in a very horrible place to be hit. Finally a large metal wall type thing slid across the view ports and shut the one that was damaged, Obi-Wan fell flat on his face and stood up as the ship jolted. There was a very loud boom and the entire thing began to descend towards Coruscant.

"What's going on?" Obi-Wan asked as he looked out of the view ports that were not covered by the slab of metal. He wondered why Coruscant seemed to be growing closer.

"I'm not sure." said Anakin thoughtfully gazing out of the view ports as well just as the ship entered the atmosphere of Coruscant.

"OH YOU TWO ARE BOTH **CENSORED **IDIOTS!" Palpatine bellowed. "**CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR, PARTICULARLY BAD CENSORED WORD,** THE SHIP IS GOING TO CRASH!"

"Nah!" Anakin and Obi-Wan cried together as the buildings on Coruscant's surface started to become clearer, and they could see a huge floating landing platform below them.

"YES WE ARE!" Palpatine cried.

"No, I think it's probably just an illusion like in that hippie turbo lift." Anakin said.

Palpatine didn't even have time to ask what the hell Anakin meant by that because a droid that was still sitting in it's normal position on the bridge spoke.

"We've got a roger, roger, incoming roger, roger, transmission, roger, roger!" the droid cried. Anakin, Obi-Wan and Palpatine turned to look at it, utterly confused as to why it was still there and why it was reporting a transmission to them. It seemed to realize how odd the situation was as well.

"What the hell is going on?! You guy's aren't General roger, roger, Grevious roger, roger!" it cried.

"Ya think?!" Anakin cried. Obi-Wan then sliced the droid's head off and accepted the transmission, it seemed to be from a clone on the fire fighting force.

"YOU'RE ABOUT TO CRASH YOU MORONS! PULL UP AND LAND ON THE LANDING PLATFORM!" the voice cried. Anakin and Obi-Wan glanced out of the view ports again and noticed for the first time that they were plunging toward Coruscant's surface at a very dangerous and fast rate of speed.

"OH FORCE!" they cried in unison.

"We'll be crushed into bloody pancakes!" Anakin cried in horror.

"I've really go to pee!" Obi-Wan cried. "I can't die with a full bladder!"

"What do we do?" both Jedi cried in unison. Palpatine looked as though he were about to explode.

"LAND THE EFFING SHIP!" Palpatine cried.

"No! I'm too much of a pansy to attempt something as risky as that!" cried Obi-Wan.

"And I'm to much of an idiotic smart ass to remember how to control a ship like this, plus my memory is terrible so I'll forget what I'm doing when I sit down!" Anakin bellowed.

"OH—YOU—**CENSORED**—IDIOTS!" Palpatine shouted, before Anakin and Obi-Wan knew what hit them the Chancellor smashed a loose control console down on their heads, effectively knocking them unconscious. He then tapped into the Force and used it to safely land the ship, once it came to a complete halt he woke the two snoring, drooling Jedi with a wave of his hand. They're eyes shot open and they leapt to their feet.

"Are we dead?" Anakin asked.

"No…" Obi-Wan sighed. "If we were dead they would be female Twi'leks… I mean… there would be copious amounts of br… or um… there would be a lot of dead sexy females because Jabba the Hutt regularly kills them."

Anakin and Palpatine exchanged amused glances as Obi-Wan basically told them his ultimate fantasy, copious amounts of sexy Twi'leks wearing little clothing.

"Well…" said Obi-Wan sheepishly. "Let's get off this ship."

XxX


	7. Padme's Fat And Pregnant!

Chapter 7: Padmé's Fat… and Pregnant!

Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Palpatine were whisked away by a fruity shuttle to the senate building were copious amounts of senators were waiting to greet them. Anakin glanced wildly for Padmé, she was nowhere in sight, however there was a chubby shadowy figure in the distance behind some pillars.

The transport carrying the Jedi and the Chancellor touched down, Palpatine made his way out of speak with the crowd of anxious officials and Anakin made to follow after them and find Padmé, however he stopped and turned to face Obi-Wan who remained in the transport.

"Aren't you coming?" Anakin asked.

"No." said Obi-Wan simply.

"But why?"

"Well frankly… between you and me I'm not brave enough for politics because of my pansiness, and I can't stand Palpatine cursing anymore." Obi-Wan admitted, and as if on cue the Chancellor cursed very loudly and kicked a reporter in the groin when the man attempted to take a picture of him.

"And," said Obi-Wan. "You're the poster boy. You rescued the Chancellor, found out Count Dooku was a lesbian man lady, succeeded in carrying me unconscious on your back and got us all here safely."

"No I didn't! The ship landed itself after we got knocked unconscious!"

"We were knocked unconscious?"

"I think… well actually I don't remember."

"Okay… well I'm going to report to the Jedi Council so goodbye." Obi-Wan said, he walked back into the transport and sat down, it immediately took off, knocking Anakin flat on his butt. The Jedi stood up and shook his fist angrily after it, he then ran after the group of Senators and Palpatine who were already near the turbo lifts, he had completely forgot about the chubby, mysterious figure.

Suddenly a hand extended and pulled him into the shadows. In the next moment he was furiously making out with Padmé who seemed fatter then usual. Finally Anakin pulled away, realizing they probably should not be making out here as someone could see them.

"Not here." said Anakin.

"Not here?!" Padmé cried. "You've had me worried sick these last few hours fool! I deserve to make out with you after you nearly died!"

"Well let's wait until we get back to your apartment."

"Oh _hell_ no! We are making out here and that's final, how _you _doin'!" Padmé cried, pulling Anakin closer to her, he pulled away again however.

"Padmé, you seem… more ferocious then usual, and… you've gained weight!"

"Gained wait? I ain't gained no damn wait, I'm up with the dove you little smart ass!"

"Huh?"

"I'm with child Ani!"

"Crap! Now the council's gonna find out about us, plus I'm not ready to be a father."

"Stop you're damn worrying, the council ain't gonna find out about us, and what the hell do you mean you ain't ready to be a father. You said you were right before we…."

"I only said that because I want to… you know."

"What? Anakin, do you understand what I'm going through all because you said you wanted to be a father? I'm puking my guts out in the morning, and I look like I've been eating Dex's Diner too much! Plus my water could break at any moment and your son or daughter could just plop right out!"

"Well, I suppose I _could _be a father."

"Don't give me none of that damn crap! Say it sincerely!"

"Fine, I vow to be the best dad ever!"

"Much better."

"But what if the council finds out?" Anakin asked horrified.

"They ain't gonna find out. And if they do you can quit, how _you _doin'!"

"Yeah… good idea. Padmé this is the happiest moment of my life… so far as I remember."

XxX

Later that night as Anakin was in Padmé's apartment he was watching her brush her beautiful brown hair on the veranda, and listening to her sing off key.

"_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like meeeeeeeeee? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freeeeeeeeeeeeeak like MEEEEEEE? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was pregnaaaaaaaaaaant like MEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEHE?"_

"Excellent singing Padmé." Anakin lied. She turned to face him and smiled lovingly.

"Are you staring at me because you're transfixed with my beauty?"

"No, you're just fat." Anakin replied. Padmé's cheeks turned crimson, she pulled her arm back and hurled the brush at him, he caught it and tossed it lazily over his shoulder.

"Pregnant, I mean."

"Damn straight! I ain't no fat woman!"

"No you aren't." Anakin agreed. "I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed."

That night Anakin had a terrible dream. Padmé was dying after she gave birth, she was shouting his name, she needed help, and at that moment Anakin woke up covered in sweat, he looked at Padmé's chubby form and couldn't tell if it was breathing because of her fatness, and her pregnantness. He poked her hard in the back, she snorted loudly and shot straight up in bed then slapped him hard across the face.

"What the hell was that for?"

"I couldn't tell if you were breathing."

"Breathing… now why the hell would you not know if I was breathing?"

"Because you're fat! I cant tell!"

"I'M PREGNANT!"

"And you're fat, oh and I had a dream you were gonna die in child birth."

"Well thanks for breaking it to me so nicely!" Padmé snapped. "But I ain't gonna die. Go back to sleep."

"Okay."

And so Anakin drifted back off to sleep again, though he could not shake the feeling that Padmé was denying her obesity, and the fact that she would die.

XxX

Anakin woke up the next day and rushed for his meeting with Obi-Wan at the Jedi Temple where he was to be briefed. When he reached the room however, he found the stands seated in rows above one another before the holoprojector, which Obi-Wan was shutting down, were empty. Anakin wondered why Obi-Wan would do such a thing, obviously the other Jedi were late.

"Obi-Wan, what's wrong with you, the briefing hasn't even started yet and you're leaving! They call me an idiot." Anakin exclaimed, muttering the last part to himself.

"Actually the briefing is over, you missed it. Master Windu seemed particularly pissed about it." said Obi-Wan.

"Yeah, well master Windu can kiss my—"

"Anyway," Obi-Wan continued. "In short everything is going well, Master Vos was horribly defeated so he moved his troops to Bos Prissy."

"Bos Pitty?" Anakin corrected uncertainly.

"Something like that." Obi-Wan said as he left the room, Anakin in his wake. They walked towards the giant windows in the hall, shoving two younglings out of their way so they could get the best view.

"So Anakin," said Obi-Wan.

"So Obi-Wan…"

"This is very hard to say." Obi-Wan said sadly.

"I'm sure it is." Anakin said.

"ALRIGHT!" Obi-Wan cried hysterically. "I can't take it anymore! Anakin, the council wants to you to spy on Palpatine!"

"So?"

"So? Don't you feel something morally wrong about that, spying on your friend?" Obi-Wan asked incredulously.

"Yeah, but I kinda have no frickin' choice if the council told me to do it, they're like the dictators of the Jedi." Anakin replied. "So what do they want to know?"

"Well, they want to know about all of the Chancellors dealings, who talks to about the war, what women he sees, what nightclubs he visits, what kind of whisky he drinks in case we have to murder him, what sort of female species he prefers in case we have to assassinate him or if we want to send him a birthday present… got it?"

"Yup."

"Okay, go spy on the Chancellor, he's at an opera."

"Okay. Go tell everyone on the council I said they're bastards because they made me do this."

"Okay. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

"May the Force be with you."

"May the Force murder all of the council members!"

"Anakin!"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Anakin!"

"Obi-Wan!"

"ANAKIN!"

"Yeah?"

"You mustn't talk about the council members like that with all these snitchy padawans about."

"Okay, well I'm going to spy on Palpy now."


	8. The Sith Lord

Chapter 8: The Sith Lord

Anakin entered the opera house and made his way to the private box where Palpatine sat watching the show eagerly. Before he noticed Anakin entering he cried out furiously as one actor delivered a flip in the air to stiffly,

"WHAT THE **CENSOR, CENSOR **WAS THAT?!" Palpatine shrieked. "This **CENSORED **opera blows! I'm gonna give it a review so bad people will pay money to other people so they don't THINK about it! Oh Anakin, how lovely of you to join me. Beat it moron."

Palpatine indicated that last order to Mas Amedda and Sly Moore, both of whom took no offense at being called a moron and promptly left the box.

"I can see something's troubling you." Palpatine said whilst making a very rude hand gesture at the actor that had screwed up.

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, Padmé's knocked up."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, and I had a dream she was going to die in child birth." said Anakin.

"Well did you ever here the Tragedy of Darth Plaguies the Wise?"

"Nope."

"I thought not, the Jedi are feeble minded, they would not be able to tell you a tale as plot driven and complex as this, the only one smart enough to tell it might be Yoda, but then he's very stupid, he probably wouldn't understand what he was talking about. Anyway would you like to hear it?" Palpatine asked.

"Yeah, beats this opera. It blows."

"You've got that right. Okay, you see, Darth Plaguies was a Dark Lord of the Pith."

"Sith?"

"Oh yes, Sith, and he was very wise and powerful. He became so powerful with the Dark Side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying, he specialized in keeping knocked up wives alive when they gave birth."

"So?" asked Anakin stupidly.

"Well, Darth Plaguies taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice murdered him…."

"How?"

"He murdered him in his sleep."

"Didn't Plaguies lock his door?"

"That's not the point of the story."

"Well what's the point?"

"Plaguies could stop the ones he cared about from dying you incompetent moron!"

"And…"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF FOGEY-ONE BALONEY! WHAT THE **CENSOR **IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN USE THE **CENSOR **POWER TO SAVE PADMÉ?!"

"Sure, can I?"

"Not if you're a Jedi."

"Oh."

"Well anyway we now know the location of General Grievous. He's on—"

"Tatooine?"

"No!"

"Malachor?"

"NO!"

"A woman?"

"WHAT—NO!"

"Coruscant!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"He's on the top of this very opera house?!"

"NO YOU **CENSORED **MORON **CENSOR**!"

"Well I give up."

"He's on Utapau."

"Cool, I've always wanted to go there, I heard Utapauian females were hot."

"Only if you like gray, red stripped ugly lizard teeth people."

"Oooooh! I wish Padmé were Utapauian."

"Well… clearly you're a sick fantasizing moron, but I think you ought to tell the Council about this. In fact I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the council."

"You can't do that."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"_Yes I can!_"

"No you can't."

"YES I CAN!" Palpatine cried hysterically. "Now go to the council, tell them about Grievous and get on the Council!"

"Okay."

XxX

Mace Windu stroked his chin thoughtfully as Anakin reentered the Council chamber. They had been sending him out and calling him back in for the last seven hours whilst they contemplated whether or not they would allow him on the Council. Finally they had come to a decision.

"We've decided to let you on the council." said Mace.

"YIPPEE!" Anakin cried. "Where's my chair?"

"Right here." said Obi-Wan, pointing to Ki-Adi-Mundi's chair which the Jedi master currently occupied.

"What!" Anakin cried. "But he's still sitting on it."

"Well originally we were going to force you to sit on his lap, however we've decided it would serve economic purposes better if we killed him." said Obi-Wan.

"WHAT?!" cried Ki-Adi-Mundi incredulously. "No one ran that by me."

"Thought you would protest we did." said Yoda. "A pompous ass you are. Came up with the idea when you left to eat cookies we did."

"COOKIES ARE FOR THE DARK SIDE!" Mace Windu cried.

"NOOOO!" cried Ki-Adi-Mundi as the council members activated their lightsabers. However before any of the council members moved to kill the Jedi master the floor before him dropped and fell open like a lid. Ki-Adi-Mundi slid right off of the chair and began a descent down to the surface of Coruscant. The floor then returned to its original position with the seat on it, Anakin took the empty chair.

"How come it does that?" he asked.

"Installed one hundred and seventy three years ago that was." said Yoda. "Used that feature we did to get rid of irritating smart asses, made it look like an accident we did."

"Oh," said Anakin simply.

"Anyway," Mace continued. "You're on this council but we do not grant you the rank of master."

"What?!" Anakin cried. "How dare you! Obi-Wan's a master, and look at him, he's too much of a pansy to get off his chair!"

"Yes, but you are a jerk and a selfish, punkish, pregnant moron." Mace said. "We'd rather have a pansy amongst our numbers than one of those things."

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" Anakin cried furiously. "I'm a man!"

"That's disputable." said Mace. "But you've obviously gained wait."

"WHAT?! This is an outrage! I should chop off all of your asses and hang them above my mantle place."

"Well then we'd constantly be mooning you." Obi-Wan pointed out.

"I suppose you're right." Anakin said. "Anyway who gets to go kill Gurvious?"

"Well I am going to of course." Obi-Wan said.

"Huh?"

"Yup." Yoda said. "Concluded we have that Obi-Wan's skills far surpass your own, plus his lightsaber is larger and we always judged Jedi's powers on how long their lightsabers are, plus he is a male."

"That's a bit sexist." Anakin said, ignoring the fact Yoda had just called him a woman.

"Yes," said Yoda. "Very sexist I am. All true Jedi are. The reason we never marry that is."

"But Ki-Adi-Mundi was!"

"Ki-Adi-Mundi was an irritating fool!" Mace snapped. "Anyway, Obi-Wan, you must leave for Utapau immediately, kill General Grievous!"

"Okay." said Obi-Wan. "I'm off."

However Obi-Wan did not leave his chair.

"What's wrong?" asked Mace.

"I'm scared out of my socks to get up."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a girly, girly, little man with a British accent, and I'm a pansy!"

"JUST GET THE **CENSOR **UP AND LEAVE!" Yoda shrieked.

XxX

Anakin moped as he entered the Chancellors office. Palpatine smiled, he was dressed in hot pink robes today and wore purple eye shadow.

"I'm depressed." said Anakin sitting down before the Chancellor.

"Good. I am a Sith Lord, your depression will make it easier to turn you to the dark side." Palpatine replied.

"The Jedi didn't let me go to Utapau!" Anakin whined. Palpatine stared at him as though he were insane; he'd just revealed he was a Sith Lord.

"Anakin, I need to teach you the ways of the dark side."

"**CENSOR **the dark side!" Anakin snapped. "I'm depressed."

"Join the dark side Anakin!" Palpatine tempted. "We'll kick the Jedi's ass, eat cookies, and save your wife from certain death, plus we get free heath insurance and very good rates on frequent flyer mile cards."

"I don't need health insurance, or good rates of FFMC cards, I have the Force." said Anakin sadly.

"Yeah well you're going to join the dark side whether you like it or not." Palpatine snapped. "You need to save Padmé and I need to take over the galaxy, are interests coincide."

"What?"

"Join the dark side! We get free admission to night clubs!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Anakin cried. "Okay, I'll do whatever you want, just give me free admission to night clubs."

"What about Padmé?"

"I could care less about her then Yoda's butt rash."

"Don't you want to save her?"

"Not really."

"What? Well my plan was for you to want to save her, and if you don't want to then you can't have free admission to nightclubs, plus I was going to throw in unrestricted access to the back rooms…."

"OKAY! Yeah, I want to save Padmé, now can I join the dark side?"

"Yes, henceforth you shall be known as Darth Nancy!"

"That's terrible, got anymore?"

"Darth… Hilary Clinton!"

"No… I don't think so…"

"Um… Darth Bob Saget!"

"Isn't he an actor?"

"Oh yes… well how about Darth Vader?"

"Yeah, I'll go with that."

"Okay. Now Lord Vader, go to the Jedi Temple and murder all the Jedi there, then go to Mustafar and kill all the separatist leaders. Only then will you be strong enough to use the free admission to nightclubs and to save Padmé."

"Okay! We'll I'm off to kill the Jedi, wait, don't you need to look evil?" Anakin asked.

"Oh yes, I almost forgot." Palpatine said. He pointed his fingers at his face and began to shock himself with Force lightning until he became as ugly as Padmé in the morning.

"How's this?" Palpatine asked.

"Disturbing." Anakin replied. "Well I'm off to kill the Jedi!"

The moment Anakin left Palpatine pulled out a mirror and examined himself. He nodded approvingly and then without warning he burst into song.

"_Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your boyfriend was sexy like me? Don't cha wish your boyfriend was old and wrinkly like me? Don't cha…" _

"Um… master?" Anakin asked.

"Damn you Clinton… Saget… Nancy… VADER! You've interrupted my singing." Palpatine snapped angrily.

"Sorry, I just thought you might like to know Mace Windu, Kit Fisto, Saesee Tinn, and Agen Kolar are here to kill you."

"**CENSOR, **we've been found out. Okay, send them in, I'm going to grab an ice pick and fork them all to death."

"Why not just use your… nails?"

"I just got a manicure! I shall not ruin it, I will use my lightsaber. Okay, send them in, I'm gonna kick their Jedi **CENSORS**!"


End file.
